I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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