matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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