Jerry, you need to find god
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
