Jerry, you need to find god
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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