My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
did you just send me my own nude
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
