The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
