I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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