i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
