no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
