you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
