the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
