he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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