Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
