I wish life had little blips of pornography
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
