at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
