My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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