Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
