Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
