one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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