Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
