God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize