Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
