It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
