Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
