There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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