I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
