Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
