He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need to calm my uterus...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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