I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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