i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We just shotgunned beers for America
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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