He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
