just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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