I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
