so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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