Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize