just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
