i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
