I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
