just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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