So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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