I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
