3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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