half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
