I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
