guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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