I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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