Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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