I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
