I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
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