ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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