Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize