I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
