just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
