So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
