The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
