i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
