i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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